LET GO
By PFR (Pray for Rain)
Album Pray for Rain (1992)
if there is only one God, why do we serve so many
if there is only one law, why do we live like there aren't any
i'm not trying to get you down. I just want you to know
that if you're gonna live for God, you've got to let go
Chorus
gotta let go of the little things, before they get you down
gotta let go or they'll drag you to the bottom and hold you down
it's a war we all fight, and compromise is the battleground
but if you're ever gonna grow, you've got to let go
if there is only one truth, one original way
why do we search like blind men
can't see the sunshine in the light of day
we've got to turn around and run the other way
cause if were gonna live for God,
we've got to turn away
Chorus B
turn away from the little things
before they get you down
turn away or they'll drag us to the bottom
and hold us down
it's a war we all fight
and compromise is the battleground
but is we're ever gonna change
we've got to turn away
Chorus B
I've just come from consulting the micro/reconstructive surgeon. His advice is to wait till further disturbance. He says it's not tendon cyst, it's some other pathology. Hence, he doesn't want the risk of resecting at this time. He asks me, " do you want that risk just for aesthetics?" No, thank you. It was the pain I had hoped to correct, not the almost unnoticeable deformity of that very small joint.
I decided I'd rather live with the paresthesia, pain/painkiller than risk paralysing my hand (like say, if surgery hits some vital structure) for aesthetic purposes.
It's not carpal tunnel syndrome. It's tendon cysts (two of them) compressing a small (very small?) branch of the median nerve going to my right index finger. Good.
History-
Aug 2001/Bates module: Ester was paired with me in skills lab and she was able to elicit a (+) Tinel's sign when she tapped my wrist to assess the median nerve. Dr. Dee-Chan suggested I see a neurologist. I thought maybe it was just freshman hypochondriasis, so I didn't go.
April 2002/Summer: I was helping my grandmother cook lunch. I was peeling potatoes and pulling leaves off cob corn, when a sudden painful sensation shot through my right arm. It felt like my fingers were on fire, and the fire had traveled very quickly along my hand, forearm & elbow, where it burned itself out. I consulted an orthopedic specialist the next day. He said I had to do some wrist exercises, and use a neoprene wrist support for a month.
May 2002: everything normal again.
July 2002/Respiratory module, 1st 2 weeks: there was a quiz, where the questions were projected onto the screen and we had to write our answers fast. My hand was stiff, the pain was back suddenly, I lost grip of the pen. I got through the quiz, holding my left hand over my right hand (& the pen), so I could write. I couldn't analyze anything, and I felt disappointed with the way I took the quiz, but more importantly, I was scared. I called my dad, and he told me to see a neurologist as soon as class let out.
July/continue Respiratory module-Aug 2002/Genitourinary module: I had to wear a metal wrist brace. I learned to write with my left hand. I was sad. Angry. "Come back in two weeks," he would say. I went back every two weeks, always hoping to be told "You're fine now. You won't need the brace anymore." Sometimes, when he would do Tinel's or other tests, I wanted to say "No tingling sensation, I'm okay." but it's not a good idea to be telling falsehoods to your physician...
Sept 2002/Gastrointestinal module: around 2nd week, I had EMG-NCV (electromyography-nerve conduction velocity) done. Normal, except slow ulnar F-wave. Dr. Diaz explained that that meant the median nerve was normal. Maybe the pain was coming from smaller fibers, considering my occupational history (I played piano at age 3, violin at age 11), I was at risk for repetitive stress injury (RSI). My neurologist said "rest the right arm, brace when carrying heavy books/loads, use pain medications as needed." That was it. I was "chronic".
He said that since the big nerve was ok, and only the small nerves were affected, if he would resect at the wrist the risk of damaging the big nerve was too high to make it worth trying to correct the affected small nerves. I was told I'd have chronic pain and would have to live with it.
I'm 23 yrs old, and I didn't like the idea. I didn't like it that to write notes in school, I had to use my left hand (too slow, too ugly handwriting). I didn't like the bruises from using aspirin, so soon it was on to more selective medicines. It's also painful when I accidentally sleep on my right hand, so I sleep on my left side as much as I can. Sept 2003/Psychiatry module: I discovered percutaneous pain medicine. It's a patch/sticker that delivers medicine to just the local area where you tape it, so side-effects are minimal.
One less thing for me to be sad or angry about.
It's October. Sembreak 2003.
Tendon cyst is good news to me right now. The tendon cysts are probably on a digitorum muscle (flexor or extensor), that's why the signs/symptoms can masquerade as carpal tunnel syndrome. CTS is chronic. Tendon cysts can be surgically removed. If all goes according to plan, surgery will be on Monday. The timing is also good because it's sembreak. I have two weeks to get well. From this I learn that God is wise. Also, that it's a difficult experience to be informed of having a chronic health condition. I hope this experience makes me a more compassionate doctor ( if / when?) I graduate.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To: section C 2005 -
In many different ways,
courage & help were given
to me through you,
sometimes unexpected,
at other times depended on,
but every single time
a deed well done.
Thanks!
In Christ,
Ian
Neurology (remedial) final exam over.
I was upset this afternoon.
4 days 2 weeks of study period.
I am taking these first 4 days off.
Family-
I am at home, sitting at the large old round wooden table between Mom and Ama (Grandmother) at dinner. They discuss how to prepare steamed white chicken. They also discuss my brother Jaice's ankle injury. He needs an MRI. If the ligament is torn, he will need surgery. If partially torn, there will be trial of physiotherapy, then reassessment of the need for surgery.
I see the difference between my fashionista mother in business attire, just home from work, and my stay-at-home Ama, wearing her comfortable pj's. I love them both. The one understands me but I do not feel accepted or liked. The other accepts me but then I do not feel understood.
Psychiatry module exam just through.
I do not know how I did, I do not think I did well.
Today in my personal life -
I learn the meaning of 'broken'. I also learn that I do not like to break things, or promises, or friendships. Sometimes when things are broken, I want them not to be. Like crying over spilled milk.
