Most get through M.D school, some drop out early, others drop out late. I got through M.D school, through my clerkship year, and bonus- have a cum laude to show for it. I also have a Temper to show for it.
You either have Cool or you have a Temper. You either lose your cool, or lose your temper. Prior to M.D school, I had Cool and rarely lost it. During M.D school, I had Cool, and lost it a little more often than before, but still I was a calm sort of person. I am now an intern. I have a Temper now, and lose it often. I don't want to be a nutcase but I am. I need some therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder secondary to Clerkship.
Another trait I acquired, this internship, is Faking. No matter how tired, how unhappy you are that you haven't slept or eaten or sat down yet, all day long, when a patient complains of something, especially a danger sign, like headache, bleeding, etc.. you have to knock at their rooms politely, have good bedside manners and a smile with enough wattage to start the therapeutic process. "Good morning po, intern po ng ___ department. The nurses report that your BP is 160/110. May I recheck?"
Then the faking gets to me, along with the issue of Self-Awareness.. and according to the books, the human solution to the discrepancy between the fake self vs heightened self-awareness/true self is suicide.
I don't want to end up there.
I am on Day 4 of a diet that makes me feel good about myself. I have learned that Unhealthy Food is not the correct recompense for all the deprivation I feel when working in the hospital setting. The right recompense is a warm, soft bed and a good, long sleep. Maybe a bowl of cereal and increased fluid intake too. A relaxing shower/bath, with some time spent being vain about my long black shiny hair J also helps.
Tomorrow, I will be cool. I will not shame my clerks. Fact is, I was "just a clerk" a few months ago. I will learn to be humble.
