Praise God, He is the Answer to our Dreams.
As I re-read the rest of this blog, the archives of my med school experience, I realize it wasn't easy, but I also see how different I am now from who I was then.
Now, I will acknowledge the elephant. The elephant that is in the room but no one acknowledges. We met in June 2001, when he wasn't an elephant yet. In second year, he became an elephant. During Clerkship, I was too busy to think about him, and life became less sentimental for me.
The elephant is a big part of my life. He helped me very much. Where I got by in high school, and only studied occasionally in college, in medical school I had to learn to study for hours and hours on end. The first and most difficult of those hours, he was with me. He knows that I cried when he had to go. We saw each other again on the first day of the board exam, and wished each other good luck, God bless. I was hopeful we might review together for one last exam, but I knew this exam was too important. We might distract each other instead. So I stayed where I was supposed to stay, and he stayed where he was supposed to stay, each with our own friends and separate study groups of our own. I prayed for our exams that night, and also prayed for our friendship. Sure, he had a part in my past. Should he have a part in my present? On the second day, it was raining, and Joy offered me a ride. Joy & I finished the exam early, so we waited at the outdoor cafeteria for her car to arrive. Joy went over to talk to someone she knew, and I happened to look up at the building. Although it was too far to be sure, I think I saw a familiar sight: the elephant was waiting outside the door of my classroom. When everyone had left the classroom, he left too. Then I watched him talk to some guys, in a group across the parking lot. When Joy's car arrived and we stood up to leave, the guys started leaving too. I passed the elephant at the door.
On the second weekend, I was still praying for divine approval. I even put out a fleece. If we were supposed to be friends again, he would be the one to approach me. This was a fleece because I usually had to approach him when I needed help before. Sometimes, I felt like I was a nuisance of some sort. For him to approach me would be unusual, and maybe a miracle.It rained hard on the last day of exams. Joy offered me a ride home. I accepted the offer. I still wish the elephant & I could stay friends. Sometimes, I miss the elephant. But i
f that was the sacrifice, the thing that needed to happen so that we wouldn't be distracted from our goal, to pass the medical board exam, I'm glad for the sacrifice, because we both passed.
Maybe someday, I'll see the elephant again, and he would be the one to approach me. Elephants never forget.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Most get through M.D school, some drop out early, others drop out late. I got through M.D school, through my clerkship year, and bonus- have a cum laude to show for it. I also have a Temper to show for it.
You either have Cool or you have a Temper. You either lose your cool, or lose your temper. Prior to M.D school, I had Cool and rarely lost it. During M.D school, I had Cool, and lost it a little more often than before, but still I was a calm sort of person. I am now an intern. I have a Temper now, and lose it often. I don't want to be a nutcase but I am. I need some therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder secondary to Clerkship.
Another trait I acquired, this internship, is Faking. No matter how tired, how unhappy you are that you haven't slept or eaten or sat down yet, all day long, when a patient complains of something, especially a danger sign, like headache, bleeding, etc.. you have to knock at their rooms politely, have good bedside manners and a smile with enough wattage to start the therapeutic process. "Good morning po, intern po ng ___ department. The nurses report that your BP is 160/110. May I recheck?"
Then the faking gets to me, along with the issue of Self-Awareness.. and according to the books, the human solution to the discrepancy between the fake self vs heightened self-awareness/true self is suicide.
I don't want to end up there.
I am on Day 4 of a diet that makes me feel good about myself. I have learned that Unhealthy Food is not the correct recompense for all the deprivation I feel when working in the hospital setting. The right recompense is a warm, soft bed and a good, long sleep. Maybe a bowl of cereal and increased fluid intake too. A relaxing shower/bath, with some time spent being vain about my long black shiny hair
J also helps.
Tomorrow, I will be cool. I will not shame my clerks. Fact is, I was "just a clerk" a few months ago. I will learn to be humble.
Clerkship
It is the end of life as we know it, tinatapos na lang ang exams...
Adult-type Me
The point is, adults don't write things down to score against when the changes come, improvement or otherwise. Ginger and I do.
I guess it's getting to a peak and going down from there. The peak has to be high enough, that you won't end up a boor in the end, when you're seventy.
I'm starting down because my coping mechanisms are no longer effective. Adult things are happening around me and writing everything down, thinking everything through, doing fad clothes, drugs, and alcohol will only slow me down. I wonder if I can pull it off? Being an adult-type me?
I'm going to try, but don't judge me if I "revert to saved".
Clerkship: be Monty in the movie, BFL ("Big Fat Liar"). It is taking care of your superiors first, their clients second.
- - = - - - = = = - - - = - - from www.briomag.com
Dear Susie:
I have a great boyfriend. He treats me very well and respects my boundaries, but he’s not a Christian. I don’t want my relationship with God to unravel over someone who doesn’t love Christ as much as I do.
I can feel my faith falling apart already! My boyfriend does say and do some things that aren’t representative of good behavior. But I still really love him. And it feels so right!
What should I do?
Confused in Connecticut
From our e-mail bag
Dear Confused:
I appreciate your honesty. Let me repeat some of your own words back to you: “I can feel my faith falling apart!” “I don’t want my relationship with Christ to unravel over someone who doesn’t love Christ as much as I do.” And (paraphrased) “My boyfriend says and does things that aren’t good.”
Hmmm.
Sounds as though you’ve answered your own question, doesn’t it? If you truly don’t want to damage your relationship with Christ, and you’re already seeing it begin to unravel, and you’re bonding closely with someone who’s doing and saying things that go against your value system, the answer is to break things off.
You say you’re in love with him and it feels so right. Isn’t that a contradiction to “my faith is falling apart”? If you’re with someone who’s instrumental in damaging your faith, how can it feel right?
It may feel good, but it can’t feel right. There’s a difference. Sure, it feels good to be cared for by someone, but just because it’s nice to be the apple of someone’s eye doesn’t mean it’s right. You can actually be in love with the wrong person!
Bottom line: Do you trust God enough to give Him control of your dating life? If so, surrender this relationship to Christ. If you do, one of three things will happen: (1) God will bring someone into your guy’s life to lead him into a personal relationship with Christ, and the two of you may or may not get back together. (2) God will bring a Christian guy into your life. (3) God will keep you single for a while to grow closer to Him.
Can you accept those possibilities? If so, Jesus is Lord of your dating life.
He has no capacity for happiness. Restriction is the ulimate end of each person, each tangible good that makes him happy. His first love is intelligence, knowledge of facts.
I had thought it was unfair to Creator God to have made such an observation regarding one of His, who is, after all, created in His Own Image, therefore must possess God's character in every way.
He has no capacity for happiness. Mostly, but being created in the image of God, he is supposed to have it, and he does. He has a capacity for happiness. In only himself. I think it's sad that every happiness ends up in restriction. How will you ever be happy, dear?
Sheila's Piano Recital at 3pm today.
Todo para la familia. I was in surgery class this morning, and Lily-4ko texts me a reminder. Dad, too. I'll attend the first lecture this afternoon, and beg off the others. I hope I still have my musculo notes (for orthopedic surgery), but I don't have notes for neurologic. =(
